Monthly Archives: August 2017
$2.75 was a luxury that I couldn’t afford. An emotional mixture of anxiety and embarrassment bolted through my veins. $2.75 was my ticket home and I had a Negative balance of -14.69.
I proceeded to try my card anyway hoping the universe would be kind. Insufficient funds popped on the screen as I felt my dignity evaporating through my pores. Suddenly, I remember the MetroCard tucked in between miscellaneous business cards in my wallet. Finally, I exhaled. I slipped my MetroCard into reader awaiting access to the subway. DENIED! With My lips caved into my mouth and my eyebrows crept lower making wrinkles on my forehead , I quickly maneuvered through the impatient bodies.
I was back on 23rd street. High stress morphed into a numb state. People and cars shifted shapes until all I could see were complexions , yellow, blue, and reddish brown. The inner soundtrack of my breath masked the lively sounds of 23rd street. Suddenly, the buzz from my phone brought me back to reality. It was an email from chase bank informing me that I received $20 with the message: ” friends do for friends!”
As I got on the semi- crowded subway, I was filled with relief. The guy playing an original song an acoustic guitar didn’t annoy me. Instead, I actively listened. I became aware of numerous positions people held while riding. SENATOR MCCAIN WILL VOTE was printed on a newspaper adjacent to me. Mocha skin with a faint rose tinted cheekbones lingered of floral nodes a strong musk came from a man with blotched peach skin and brown beard.
I was going home. It was the first time in awhile I was grateful for having enough.
How many times have you heard the phrase “Well someone has it far more worse than you.” I’m sure you’ve heard it on several occasions, right? As if, that’s the first thing you want to hear when you’re in a bad space. I’ve always found it weird that as humans we’re taught to compare our pain instead of just dealing with it than moving on from it.
Lately, I haven’t felt like myself. I would be lying if I said I was “Happy Dev” all of the time like I used to be. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason that has me in this bit of a funk, but it’s not necessarily just one thing that has me feeling this way. It’s a multitude of things. Between trying to solidify my career, the bullshxt taking place around the world, and people constantly trying my spirit on a daily it becoming increasingly harder to remain a pleasant person 95% of the time.
I honestly can’t explain the emotion I’m feeling but I do know it’s not myself. The Deveney I know never allowed outside influences get to her, but the more I become empathetic to the world around me, the more I don’t feel like myself. So what’s the solution? Do I tune out the world around me, and escape back into my self-asorbed bubble I finally freed my inner-self from? Or do I continue on this journey of being conscientious of the world around me, sacrificing a bit of my inner-peace as well?
I haven’t quite figured out what the answer will be, but I do know who to turn to for it. No matter how I’m feeling, or what my current state is I know there is a higher power that will always guide me through it. So I’m going to lean on my faith, as I was taught to do as a child. I’m a firm believer in God and the universe, and one thing I always know is that everything will align in my favor to see me through.
Well until next time,
Photo | pinterest.com
A few days ago a friend and myself were discussing what our younger selves saw our lives being at this current age. After sharing stories and a few laughs as well, we quickly came to the realization that neither of us were where we thought we would be at this stage in our lives. The conversation sparked me to contemplate on the idea of success, and what exactly does it looks like. More importantly would I align the state of my life with the word successful?
Let’s rewind to Dev from 6 years ago, I was a junior at Dillard University, convinced I would have become a forensic or clinical psychologist by now. I had my life all planned out and according to my plan I would have graduated from UCLA’s dual program last year and would have probably obtained a position making six figures a year. I would be the epitome of success (or what I thought it was at 20 years old). Well God had another plan for me and it had nothing to do with psychology.
It become clear to me my last semester as a junior in college that psychology was not the path for me. And for the first time in my life I had to ask myself the hard questions. I had been committed to the idea of me being a psychologist since I was the age of 14, but after praying and doing some soul-searching I realized I was more committed to the idea of what being a psychologist was than me actually being one. I knew if I would have gone through with that career path then one day I would wake up and hate my life. I refused to do that to myself, all because I didn’t want to steer away from my perfect plan.
Fast forward to now, I’m a 26 year-old creative, that dabbles in a little of everything from filmmaking to acting to (of course) writing. I’m blessed to have my passion be my career. Am I making 6 figures a year by doing so? I wish. Am I the happiest I’ve ever been in my life? Absolutely! I can honestly say I love my career. It’s not perfect by any means, but even the cons that come with it I turn into pros. Being a creative gives me a purpose on this earth. When I’m creating art it just feels right, it’s one of the few things that I don’t have to think about, but just do.
If I’ve learned anything over the years is that life is too short not be living your best life. You want to reflect over your journey of life and say I lived my most honest life and there is not a thing I wish I did. It is important to remember that your life is just that, yours. You are in total control, you have the power to do whatever it is you want in this life. I promise you, if you put your trust in God and pray for the universe to guide you, you won’t be steered wrong.
So stop worrying about if you are successful enough, and just go out and live your life. Once you become the happiest version of yourself all variations of success will follow. Success is one word we all define differently, but one thing we all can agree on is that if you are genuinely happy then you are successful in this life. So go forth and find your happiness. I’m a true believer that once you attain that, you can achieve anything in this life. Yes, even success.
Well Until Next Time,